Red Dwarf

Cory's shrine to all that is smeg.

My favourite Episodes:
1. Meltdown 4x6
2. Rimmerworld 6x5
3. Stoke Me a Clipper 7x2
4. Back to Reality 5x6
5. Polymorph 3x3


"The time for talking is over. Now call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard, and we hit it fast, with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign."
- Rimmer, Polymorph

"So let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane?"
- Rimmer, Quarantine

"Well, we know what to get you for Christmas. A double labotomy and six rolls of rubber wallpaper. "
- Rimmer, Quarantine

"I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000, the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers. "
- Holly, Future Echoes

Lister: "Rimmer, what's going on out there? Isn't that Mahatma Gandhi? And what's he doing practising hand to hand combat with a nun?"
Rimmer: "That's not a nun, Listy, that's Lieutenant Colonel Mother Theresa. She's a soldier now."
- Meltdown

Lister: "Rimmer, you said that about King of Kings, the story of Jesus!"
Rimmer: "Well it's true! A simple carpenter's son who learns how to do magic tricks like that, and doesn't go into show business! Do any of us believe that, even for a second?"
Lister: "He was supposed to be the son of god!"
Rimmer: "And when he was carrying that cross up the hill. Any normal realistic bloke would have mule-kicked the guy on the left, clobbered the one on the right, been over that green hill and far away before you could say 'ponctious pilot'."
- Holoship

"Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with, and I know, that given the choice, I wouldn't have chosen you as friends, but I just want to say, that over the years, I have come to regard you... as people I met."
- Rimmer, Holoship

"You're really mean with money. You're a tremendous physical coward. You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritans switchboard and four people commited suicide. Your middle name is Judas but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. you sign all your official letters 'Arnold Rimmer BSc' and the BSc stands for 'Bronze Swimming Certificate'. You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse."
- Lister, The Inquisitor

"Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn."
- Rimmer, Confidence and Paranoia

"Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes, I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't."
- Rimmer, Better Than Life

"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."
- Ace, Dimension Jump

Ace: "You can't judge a book by its cover."
Lister: "And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine."
- Stoke Me a Clipper

"That suit's as sharp a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye! "
- Ace, Stoke Me A Clipper

"Your brain moves quicker than a nun's first curry."
- Ace, Stoke Me A Clipper

"Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas. Whatever."
- Rimmer, Stoke Me a Clipper

"No silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?"
- Kryten, The Last Day

"Pub: ah, yes, a meeting place where people attempt to reach advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks."
- Kryten, Timeslides

"Look, just because it's an armor-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber, doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a table, and put together a solution package: perhaps over tea and biscuits."
- Rimmer, Polymorph

"I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? I think it comes down to a choice between 'The League Against Salivating Monsters' or, my own personal preference, which is 'The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society.' One drawback with that--the abbreviation is CLITORIS."
- Rimmer, Polymorph

Rimmer: "I used to be in the Samaritans."
Lister: "I know. For one morning."
Rimmer: "I couldn't take any more."
Lister: "I don't blame you. You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!"
Rimmer: "Well, it's hardly my fault that everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings! Made the papers, you know. 'Lemming Sunday', they called it."
- The Last Day

"If we're talking about famous firsts - my first french kiss. It's gotta be a killer story. Fourteen years old. We went on holiday with my Uncle Frank and his daughters. Sixteen. Twins. Blonde. Now I knew that Sarah fancied me, but I wasn't too sure about Alice. Anyway, middle of the night, I wake up with this tongue stuck down my throat. Wide awake now - I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Uncle Frank! He'd got the wrong room - he thought I was my mum!"
- Rimmer, The Last Day

Kryten: "Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?"
Rimmer: "Kryten, it's called a hangover. Don't panic."
Lister: "On a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space, can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?"
- The Last Day

"There's a bodybag out there with that scudball's name on it, and I'm doing up the zip. Anyone who gets in my way gets a napalm enema."
- Lister, Polymorph

"This is the first time I've ever been seduced by predeterminism theory. "
- Kochanski, Cassandra

"Hey, this is mine. That's mine. All this is mine. I'm claiming all this as mine. Except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine. Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something."
- Cat, Confidence and Paranoia

Cat: "I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do."
Rimmer: "You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?"
Cat: "No! I'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew."
- White Hole

"So this is really me? A no-style gimbo with teeth druids could use as a place of worship?"
- Duane, Back to Reality

Cat: "Don't fish swim south for the winter?"
Kryten: "No, that's birds, sir."
Cat: "Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breath?"
- Back to Reality

Kryten: "'Jake Bullet: Cybernautic Detective.' I like that! That sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority, and if those pen pushers up at City Hall don't like it, well, they can park their overpaid fat asses on this mid digit and swivel -- swivel 'til they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon!"
Rimmer: "On the other hand 'Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernautics division is in charge of traffic control, and you just happen to have a rather silly macho name."
- Back to Reality

"The only lifeforms the most basic single-celled protozoa, and me. Relationships would be difficult, but not impossible."
- Rimmer, Rimmerworld

Kryten: "These are our higher selves, they are the people we could have become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed. "
Rimmer: "You mean hippies? "
Kryten: "With respect sir, do you think Jesus was a hippy? "
Rimmer: "Well he was! He had long hair, he didn't have a job, what more do you want?"
- Demons and Angels

Lister: "What's that?"
Kryten: "Human remains. Wait, angle up five degrees, across ten degrees. There, some kind of writing on the floor, P-S-I-R-E-N-S, Psirens."
Rimmer: "The poor devil must have scrawled it in his death rows, using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines."
Cat: "Who would do that? "
Rimmer: "Someone who badly needed a pen."
Cat: "What I don't understand, is why he went to the trouble of using his Kidney as a full stop."
Rimmer: "I don't think he meant to do that, it probably just plopped out."
- Psirens

"This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment."
- Kryten, Justice

Kryten: "Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive."
Rimmer: "Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, 'No chance you metal bastard.'"
- White Hole

Lister: "Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast!"
Talkie Toaster: "How 'bout a muffin?"
Lister: "Or muffins! Or muffins! We don't like muffins around here! We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks!"
Talkie Toaster: "Aah, so you're a waffle man!"
- White Hole

Rimmer: "Step up to Red Alert!"
Kryten: "Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb. "
- Legion

Lister: You ok, man?
Kryten: I'm fine, thank you, Susan.
- White Hole

"You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican."
- Rimmer

"Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!"
- Kryten

"Boarding this vessel is an act of war. Ergo we surrender."
- Rimmer

Cat: "All in all, 100% successful trip."
Kryten: "But sir, we lost Mr Rimmer."
Cat: "All in all, 100% successful trip."

Lister: "What's it feel like?"
Rimmer: "Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans."
- The End

"Don't try and explain it, Lister. I don't know why I'm even surprised. Everyone always leaves me in the end. Girls, parents... I had a pet lemming once. I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall so he could hurl himself over it. He didn't want for anything. I'll never forget one Christmas I put my finger in his cage to give him some mince pie. He bit me! He sunk his teeth right into my fingers and wouldn't let go. In the end I had to smash his brains out against the wall. That little lemming broke my heart. The little git completely ruined my helicopter wallpaper."
- Rimmer, Statis Leak

"So great is the appeal of 'Better Than Life' when one store in New Tokyo ran out of stocks rubber nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the crowd."
- Newsreader, Better than life

"I had this Geography teacher, Miss Foster. She took us on a school summer camp trip to the Ganwee. I had the tent next to hers, right. And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird noise. She didn't think men were better than machines."
- Lister, Queeg

Rimmer: "But that was a barroom brawl, that was a common pub fight,a shambolic drunken set-to."
Lister: "...which you started. "
Rimmer: "I just made an innocuous comment. I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I didn't start the rumour; I merely voiced it."
Lister: " his face -- right to his face...when he was with his four biggest mates. And then you do your roadrunner act and leave *ME* to face the music.
Rimmer: "Well, I could have got hurt!"
Lister: "You'd have made a brilliant general, wouldn't you?"
- Marooned

"The Greeks have been camped outside of Troy, kapowin', zappin' and kersplattin' the Trojans for the best part of a decade, yeah. Then they wake up one mornin' and the Greeks have gone. And there outside the city walls they've left this gift, this tribute to their valiant foes, a huge wooden horse. Just large enough to happily contain five hundred Greeks in full battle dress, and still have adequate room for toilet facilities! Are you telling me not one Trojan goes, 'Hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny prezzie. What's wrong with a couple of hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave? No, they don't, they just wheel it in, and all decide to go for an early night. People that stupid deserve to be kapowed, zapped and kersplatted in their beds!
And do you know what the funny thing is? From this particular phase in history derived the phrase - Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. When it'd be much more logical to derive the phrase - Beware of Trojans, they're complete Smegheads!"
- Lister

"If god had intended us to fly, he wouldn't have invented Spanish air traffic control."
- Lister

The Theme Song:
"It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere,
I'm all alone, more or less,
Let me fly, far away from here,
Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun...
I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose,
Drinking fresh mango juice,
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes,
Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun...
Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun..."

WARNING: if you're a Red Dwarf fan, and you come across the "US - Unaired Pilot of Red Dwarf": DO NOT WATCH IT. It's a very disappointing attempt; different actors trying to make the lines work (ad verbatim), but without employing any charisma whatsoever. Exactly like watching someone tell a fantastic joke, but miffing up the delivery so much as to not even obtain a chuckle. Kryten shows up out of nowhere with a suitcase (although the episode follows "the end" quite closely). Holly never cracked a smile, Rimmer was boring rather than eccentric, Lister wasn't any fun, Cat wasn't smooth, but Kryten was perfect (same actor).

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